Fair isn’t always equal.

I remember walking into my son’s prep class, and the sign on the door.

To treat you all fairly I may not treat you all equally.

The quote has stuck with me through my sons schooling years, even now as we head into high school.

“That’s not fair” is something that is said around my son a lot at school. Thankfully he is oblivious a lot of the time to the murmurs and under the breathe comments.

They say it when he gets extra time on a task, a break to calm down, or support from a teacher aide, other kids sometimes ask, “Why does he get that?” or recently that have started call him “special.” not as a compliment, but as an insult.

And for a child already working harder than most to fit in, those words sting. Being called special as an insult is telling them they are different and being different is bad.

I get it, as a child, from the outside, it can look like he’s receiving special treatment. But what his classmates don’t always see is the weight he carries every single day. With ASD and ADHD, even the simplest parts of school, listening to instructions, staying focused, handling noise, or managing emotions, require enormous effort.

What looks like “extra” is actually what helps him survive and learn in an environment that wasn’t designed with his brain in mind.

Children and adults alike often equate fair with the same. But fairness isn’t about everyone receiving equal treatment, however having the same chance at success and living their best life whatever that is.

If a student has broken their arm, we don’t see it unfair if they don’t have to write with a broken arm, or if a child has a broken leg we don’t think it’s unfair if they use crutches. When my daughter got glasses when she was three, the whole kinder didn’t all expect to wear them too.

It should be the same with neurodivergence Extra help isn’t a reward, it’s a necessity.

When classmates call my son “special,” what they don’t see is the invisible work he does every day. The effort it takes to regulate his body, to filter noise, to sit still, to hold in frustration, to try and fit into a world that wasn’t built with him in mind. They see only the accommodations, not the cost behind them.

This is why conversations about fairness are so important in schools. It is why parents need to talk to their children. Teach empathy, teach respect.

Children need to learn that fair isn’t always equal, and that treating everyone exactly the same can actually be the most unfair thing of all.

Because real fairness is about dignity, empathy, and belonging. And that’s something everybody deserves.